Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
