I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize