I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
