1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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