If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
