i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
