omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she peed on how many people?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
