so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
