I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's blow job season.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
