I got chris browned last night
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
