Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
