First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
