my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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