our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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