mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
