I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
