I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
