i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
