If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
