first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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