I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
