i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
