The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
