i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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