After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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