thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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