mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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