@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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