First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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