One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize