I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
