I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
