I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
