I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize