so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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