Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
