The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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