Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize