if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
