Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
