what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
