Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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