I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
