hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
