you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
