we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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