I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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