i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
