I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
don't judge my taste in strippers
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
