I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize