four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
