Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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