Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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