so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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