You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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