3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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