I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
