I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize